i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
