i would punch a child for taco bell
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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