Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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