tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
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wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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