I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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