I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
