Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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