I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
