Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
