I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
