Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize