I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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