You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
