my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
