she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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