the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
