Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
