Apparently you make a good broom.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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