i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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