Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
