there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
