he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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