glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
