I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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