My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i came on her dog
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Green mimosas i think yes
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
