did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
