Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my being single is dangerous.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
