If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
