Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
