I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
