9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
