the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
