Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
