We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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