The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
