That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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