Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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