that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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