I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
