Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
