There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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