when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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