i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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