I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
