I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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