Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
