My hand turned me down
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
