I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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