No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
