If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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