It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
