I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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