I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
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trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
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You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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