my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
