He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
