Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
