i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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