I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
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someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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